It was a time of troubled sleep and I think that matters as some of these thoughts and impressions were during the night or from within. First I had an impression that I was my own enemy, in that, my fallen nature took positions contrary to the Spirit which I endorsed and held to be right. It was like a realization that I was opposing God, unknowingly believing error, supporting a position that was untenable and leading to death. I saw this in the third person, as myself an opponent of righteousness, standing there among the wicked.

The next thought was some days later as I observed members of my family who were a bit different. They didn’t fit my specific pattern in minor respects, but it opened a chasm of speculation as to their motives and my own standards. Had I become an idealog regarding my form of spirituality, practice, and standards? Of what spiritual value and virtue were my ideas and views of spiritual practice? Is their merit in having an accurate understanding of truth verses doing it? It seemed I was a fake, such that my substance was mere religiosity, rather than true spirituality. Was It right to think my standards have merit in the light God’s truth and love?

Once again thoughts confronted me with my preference to pull aside, seeing my separation as evidence of bigotry, judgment and isolation. Is this false piety? How can you pull away from anyone and reflect the nature of Yeshua, unless they are about to stone you? Has such religion separated me from the way of Yeshua? Even if or when others are wrong is that cause to abandon them?

The next night was an entire season of dreams where I was confronted by the poor and destitute. They beg unapologetically and have some skill in deceit, but my response was worse, as I had no compassion or mercy, much less empathy. One woman was so persistent she was able to get in my car as I attempted to escape her begging. Eventually, I was glad to pay to get her out of the car so I could continue to my destination. Others, I fled from on foot, even though they just wanted a few dollars, it was as if I were clad in gold and they were picking the gold away. Was I Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch combined in one, stingy, self-seeking person?

Even if all these thoughts, dreams or nightmares are accurate, there is still hope, because there is only one Hope. Yeshua (Jesus’ Hebrew name) and His righteousness is the only hope of salvation from sin. His substitutionary righteousness expunges every infraction of sin and continually purifies. I can only surrender to God’s work as He conforms me into the image of Yeshua. Can we ever be pleased with who we are in the natural? Why do we build our own religious structures to rise above and judge others? However, He is not finished with me and I will not reach a state of perfection here on earth. As Paul said, “But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.” ‭(Philippians‬ ‭3:7-9‬) My desire is for more of you, Lord, free me from self focus, false religion, hypocrisy and unloving actions, so that You are preeminent.